Through the Doctor's Eyes
by Sirius04L
Summary: Jim Kirk has a dark past and sometimes can't see himself for what he's really worth. McCoy knows the man that he really is and is willing to do anything make Jim see that, even if it means bringing up his own. Abuse and death may be mentioned. K/Mc
1. Aftermath

**A/N - Ok, so I know I should be working on **_**Come Back to Me, Spock**_** but I've been in a mood for Kirk/McCoy and since I finished **_**Vulnerability **_**and **_**Attempt Series**_**, I decided to start another one. I'm not sure if this one is going to stay a one shot or continue…you guys let me know. Enjoy!**

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Leonard "Bones" McCoy sat in his dorm room and munched on an apple that he had picked up after a debriefing that he had been summoned to concerning the _Narada _incident. It was been two weeks since the young and untried crew of the _U.S.S Enterprise_ had saved Earth under the command of Jim Kirk and things had changed forever.

Over half of their class was gone and several respected and experienced crews were nothing but atoms floating in the vastness of space. An entire planet had been destroyed because of a future event that could not be stopped; a once thriving race was now endangered because a grief-driven Romulun had wanted payback for something an aging Vulcan could not prevent. The entirety of Star Fleet Academy was mourning those that were lost and the whole Federation was trying to pull itself together after such a massive loss.

But there were few things to celebrate, even if they were far between. Jim's field promotion was going to become permanent and he was going to captain the _Enterprise_. McCoy was going to stay on as the ship's Chief Medical Officer and the other members of their class were going to keep their postings as well. The only one that was still up in the air was Spock, but the only time that he was seen was at the meetings held to decide that fate of the _Enterprise's_ crew.

McCoy took another bite of his apple and his mind continued to wander until it settled on the thought of Jim. Jim was another person that he hadn't seen unless it was at a meeting; this was unusual because Jim normally spent every waking moment at McCoy's side. They had become somewhat of a legend at the Academy; Jim, the gorgeous, reckless, rebel son of a cherished hero while McCoy was always at his side, talking sense into him and patching him up when his words had no effect. Sometimes they were even called the Dynamic Duo because they were together so often.

The Doctor smiled softly and looked at the other side of his room. Jim's side was spotless as normal. The bed was made and the corner of the comforter was turned down and the paper books that Jim was so fond of were on their shelves in alphabetical order. Even though Jim had trouble sleeping anywhere else he had hardly been here since they had returned to Earth and McCoy was really beginning to worry.

He threw what was left of his apple into the trash bin and got up, stretching his arms above his head. Silently, with one last look at Jim's bed, he made his way to their bathroom and got out of his uniform taking a shower. McCoy let the sonics move over his body and he let himself relax, pushing all morbid thoughts from his mind. He stayed in the shower longer than necessary, but when he got out he pulled on a pair of black sweats and settled himself under his covers and looked at the other bed again. "Dammit, Jim," McCoy closed his eyes, determined to hunt down Jim tomorrow. After all, tomorrow was the kid's promotion ceremony.

At 1600 hours the _Enterprise_ crew and what remained of their class were seated in the auditorium and McCoy could see Jim sitting in the front. The blonde's back was straight and his hands were folded in his lap, wringing together to try and squash the nerves. McCoy would bet anything that Jim was biting his lip right about now, though no one else would notice because that kid did things like that subtly. Jim couldn't stand letting other people see him as anything but cocky and assured, but McCoy knew better.

The Doctor sat through the ceremony and stood up at the end ready to clap as loud as he could for the man that had saved his life, his daughter's life, and the world. But when Jim turned around and looked at the crowd that was cheering for him, McCoy saw the emptiness in those vivid blue eyes. His hands came together in a slow clap and for just a second his eyes locked with Jim's. In that single moment he could see the loss and the pain that was building up in the Captain, but before he could give him any kind of single Jim was looking somewhere else.

McCoy didn't get to see him right after the ceremony; Jim was surrounded by the admiralty and his peers. Again, they made eye contact, McCoy willing him to come to the room tonight. All he got was a nod in return but that was enough. McCoy made his way to the dorm and when he got there straightened his side up so Jim would feel a little more comfortable; Jim never said it but when the place was clean he felt safer. He still didn't know why but right now McCoy was going to do everything he could to make sure that Jim was okay.

He changed out of his cadet reds and into the sweats he wore to bed and a t-shirt before sitting on the edge of his bed. McCoy ran his fingers through his hair and tried to get the anguished look that had been on Jim's face out of his head. He laid down and closed his eyes, but nothing he thought of could push it away. Eventually he fell asleep, happier times floating around in his mind as he waited for Jim to come home.

His eyes blinked open when the door swished open. McCoy sat up and saw Jim looking at him, but the blank look on his face made the Doctor's stomach drop. "Jim,"

He got up and closed the small gap between and put his hands on Jim's arms, "Jim?" His heart clenched when Jim just looked at him out of far-seeing eyes.

"Bones," Jim's voice was soft and distant and the pain in McCoy's chest doubled at the sound of it.

McCoy wrapped his arms around Jim, "I gotcha kid." For once, McCoy noticed, Jim didn't shrug him off and try to say that he was ok. The younger man rested his head on McCoy's shoulder and let out a weary sigh.

He undid Jim's red coat and set it on a chair before laying Jim down on his bed. McCoy walked to the other side and settled himself behind Jim, wrapping his arms around him. Normally, this small ritual occurred twice a year; Christmas and Jim's birthday. They would lay on one of their beds and just hold each other till the day passed. Neither spoke of it, it was enough to just know that they were there for each other.

McCoy watched as Jim turned around in his arms and just looked at him out of vacant eyes. He watched as Jim's eyes went over his face, tracing his features as they took him in. The Doctor only pulled him closer when Jim put his face in the crook of his neck and he could feel Jim taking in his scent as if it was the last thing that he was ever going to experience.

"So many people, Bones," Jim whispered and closed his eyes. McCoy just ran his fingers through Jim's hair and let him talk it out. "So many that we couldn't save…that _I _couldn't save.

"Almost everyone is telling me that I did this great thing and that I should be proud of what I did. I didn't do anything great Bones," Jim continued softly. "I stormed the bridge, took advantage of a guy that lost his planet and his mother, and acted like a reckless bastard. I could have killed everyone on this ship…I almost did."

Jim clung to McCoy as if he was all that he had left and McCoy had to remind himself that he was. In the two weeks that they had been back there hadn't been a word from Jim's mother, step-father, or brother. No long distant relative had come out of the wood work to tell him that they were proud of him. Jim had been on his own for so long and knew how to mask the pain that it was easy for anyone to forget his past.

He pressed his lips to Jim's temple and ran his hands over Jim's back soothing, his fingers running over scars that had been there long before Jim knew McCoy. "Jim, you were great up there. I felt safe with you in command and I think most of the ship did to.

"I know you didn't do everything on your own and I won't pretend that you were…nice about how you got command," he couldn't help but smile against Jim's temple when he felt Jim's lips curl up slightly, "but you did what you needed to do. And you saved billions of people. And I'll never be able to thank you for saving my little girl."

McCoy pulled back slightly as Jim shifted and looked into his eyes. "I'm a selfish asshole, Bones,"

"Jim, you put your life on the line to save the ship…to save Earth,"

Jim just shook his head, "No, that's not why I did it Bones," He sat up and brought his knees closer to his body. Jim leaned over and rested his arms on his legs and his eyes looked out the window, staring at the candles that surrounded the flag pole. "I did it because I needed to know that you'd be ok…that your little girl was here for you to see when you got back. I didn't care about the rest of them, hell I didn't even care about getting revenge for my father at that point. I needed to know that you'd be alive and happy. That's all that really mattered."

McCoy propped himself up on an elbow and watched the man sitting next to him, "I wouldn't call you a selfish bastard for wanting someone to be happy."

Jim sighed and ran his fingers through short, blonde hair. "I wanted to make you because…if I make you happy you won't leave like the rest of them. If I make you happy maybe you'll stay instead of running off looking for something better."

The Doctor's jaw dropped slightly and he sat up. Jim was tense and he didn't move an inch; this man would never cease to surprise him. He put on one hell of a show. To the world he was a cocky, thick-headed, and reckless kid that couldn't live up to his father's name, but to McCoy he was different.

To McCoy, Jim was smart, generous, brave, and someone that anyone would be proud to have as a son. It was that moment that McCoy swore to himself that he would never leave Jim behind, that he would never walk away and say that he was too good for Jim.

He sat behind Jim and pulled him against his chest, resting his head on his shoulder. "I'm not gonna leave you Jim, I promise." McCoy felt Jim relax against him and he pressed his lips to Jim's temple. "Never leave you."

"They all said that. They all saw me as a waste of flesh, the one that should have died instead of dad. It's never enough Bones. No matter what I do its never enough." He moved into McCoy when the Doctor's arms wrapped around his waist and his hands rubbed his sides.

McCoy went to speak but Jim started talking again and he let him get it all out. "My mom sent me to Tarsus, did I ever tell you that?"

He pulled Jim closer to him and kissed his shoulder gently, his hands rubbing soothing circles on his stomach and urged him on silently.

"After I drove the car off the cliff, she didn't want Frank to have to deal with me anymore so she sent me away. After the fungus hit I did what I had to do to survive and I protected a few kids." Jim let his head fall back on McCoy's shoulder and he kept talking, McCoy still pressing gentle kisses along the side of his throat.

"I had ten kids depending on me, Bones…ten." Jim started shaking and McCoy shushed him gently.

"It's okay Jim,"

"Only one survived," Jim whispered softly. "I still keep tabs on him and he gets in contact with me once in a while to see how I am. He lost his whole family on that damn planet."

"Riley?"

Jim nodded and looked at McCoy, "I could have saved them Bones, but I wouldn't give into Kodos. Not until it was too late." He was silent for a moment, collecting his thoughts and willing himself to stop shaking. "When I got back to Earth my mom wasn't there to pick me up and neither was Frank. Star Fleet dropped me off at home and Frank was there…drunk off his ass.

"My mom never called to see if I was okay and Frank never asked. It was like they wanted me to die on that planet. I wasn't worth shit to them and the only reason Star Fleet wants me around is because I'm the pretty boy son of a hero that helped save Earth. I'm not worth shit to anyone."

McCoy growled, cursing Frank, Jim's mother, and Star Fleet for making Jim feel like this. This man had done more than all of them combined and he felt like he was lower than dirt, let himself believe it. He pulled Jim flush against him and whispered in his ear.

"Listen to me, dammit. You are worth ten of them…each of them." he whispered harshly. "The Earth wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you, Joanna wouldn't and I wouldn't. And I don't think that I could live in a world without you in it. I'm here for you Jim, as your doctor and your friend. I'll get you through anything that I can."

He took a deep breath and nuzzled Jim's neck slowly. "I love you, Jim…don't you ever forget that."

McCoy felt Jim shift and he let the younger man pull away from him. When Jim turned to face him all McCoy saw was hope and fear. "Bones, don't say stuff like that - "

"I'm not saying it to make you feel better, Jim. "I won't leave you and I'll kill anyone who tries to take you away from me."

Finally, Jim let out a real and familiar laugh, albeit soft. "Promise?"

"Yeah," he whispered, his eyes locked on Jim's face. "Love ya - "

Jim launched across the short distant between them and kissed McCoy desperately. His need for affection was palpable and McCoy denied him nothing. The kiss soon went from intense and needy to slow and careful. They were now laying on the bed, McCoy's body partly on Jim's, securing him in place and keeping him safe from the outside world.

They pulled apart after what seemed like hours and even through Jim's smile McCoy could see that the exhaustion was setting in, "Get some sleep kid."

"You know, you can't call me kid anymore."

McCoy laid next to him and pulled the blankets up over them. "Oh, why is that?"

"Well, one because I'm your Captain, and two it makes you sound like a dirty old man."

McCoy rolled his eyes and pulled Jim to him, there bodies fitting together perfectly. "Get some rest Jim, I'll kick your ass for that statement in the morning."

"Afternoon. I haven't slept in a week," Jim pressed against his chest and placed his face in the crook of McCoy's neck.

"Alright, just get some sleep," McCoy kissed his head and sat there as Jim's breathing relaxed and slowed into a steady pace. He knew that he cared for Jim, but he never really considered that he loved the kid until the words came spilling out tonight; he had never thought that he would say those words again after the divorce.

But than again, Jim Kirk made McCoy feel things he never thought he could feel and remember things that he didn't want to remember. He knew they had only scratched the surface of Jim's past, but with time they'd sort it out. McCoy would make him see that he was worth something to someone more than just an old-country doctor.

McCoy also knew that by diving into Jim's past, his own ugly one was going to resurface and he didn't know if he was ready for that to happen. After all, he had promised Jim that he wouldn't leave him, but Jim hadn't made that promise in return.

He closed his eyes and took in the scent of Jim and the feel of his body pressed against his. He would find out soon enough, and he could only hope that he was right about Jim and that Jim needed him as much as McCoy needed Jim.

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**A/N - Ok, so should a couple of questions for you guys. Should I continue this, is this something that you'd like to keep reading? Also, I've been on a big **_**Doom**_** kick, like watching it a couple times a week (don't know why but I **_**love**_** that movie), anyway, I'm thinking of making this a Reaper!Bones fic, but I'm not sure if I could pull it off. If its something you'd like to see let me know. It probably wouldn't be a typical Reaper!Bones, but who knows. I've never tried it.**

**So drop me a line and let me know what you think about the chapter, and the questions if you guys want me to continue this. Thanks!**

**L.A.**


	2. Past, Present, and Future

**A/N - First off, I want to say thank you. I have never had such a strong first reaction to a story before. I was honestly blown away, so thank you, thank you, thank you, for the support.**

**I wanted to make this chapter perfect and I'm happy with how it came out, even if it took so long (sorry for the wait, by the way). Pretty soon we'll be moving to the **_**Enterprise**_** and things won't be as gloomy, and things sort of pick up in this chapter. This is just going to stay a **_**Star Trek**_** fic, I might try a Reaper!Bones, later but not yet. **

**The updates won't be regular, especially because work and school start up in a week and I need to get back in that routine. Plus my schedule this semester is literally going to push me to my limits so recreational writing will be limited to weekends if that. Please, please, please don't give up on this fic though. I'm dedicated to this story (and my other one), so try and bear with me. And you're probably tired of reading this (if you haven't stopped already), so onto the story.**

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McCoy woke up the next morning and heard the shower running in the bathroom; Jim always preferred to use water instead of sonics when something was bothering him. The Doctor continued to lay in the bed and just listened to the water beat down against the tiles. He could imagine Jim standing under the water, his arms against the wall and his head against his arms; Jim leaving his wounds open and vulnerable, trying to wash them away.

All this had to be taking a greater toll on Jim then anyone realized. McCoy sighed and ran his fingers through his hair and sat up. He had messed up one good relationship in his life and he wasn't about to lose Jim. He may not know where this thing with Jim was going but he wasn't going to let Jim crawl away and lick his wounds and McCoy knew that he couldn't keep doing that to his own for the rest of his life either.

While he didn't like the fact that he was going to have to share his past with Jim it was something that needed to be done. It would push Jim away if he stayed closed up and the young Captain was opening his soul to him, but the memories he was keeping hidden were eating him slowly but surely.

He got up and made his way to the bathroom and knocked gently, "Jim?" When he got no answer he walked in and waved his hand in front of his face. Steam clouded the small room and the heat hit McCoy like a blast from an oven. It was like a sauna, but McCoy couldn't relax, instead he took the few steps to the shower and opened the door, "Jim?"

"I'm fine Bones."

McCoy reached in and pulled his hand out almost instantly, the water scorching his skin. "Jim, turn that water down." He heard Jim mutter a feeble command and once his eyes could see past the steam he could see the fully clothed Jim Kirk sitting on the floor. Still silent he stepped in and sat with him, the water soaking him instantly and it was now a lukewarm temperature. McCoy felt something break inside him when he saw the look on Jim's face and he pulled the younger man to him.

"Sometime, I wish I was like you Jim."

Jim looked up, his face confused and distant as he looked at the Doctor. "Bones?"

He smiled at Jim and let his fingers graze his side. "You take charge of things, don't let people run your life. Make your own choice and bend things so that they work for you."

"You don't exactly take things lying down either, Bones."

"Not anymore," McCoy gave him a guff smile and pressed a kiss to his head. "Come on, lets get out of here and dried off. We'll go sit in the park, I have something to tell you." He got up and held his hand down to Jim, who took it and let himself be pulled up.

The pair seemed content with the silence and they each grabbed a towel and stripped down, drying themselves off. McCoy looked over, letting his eyes roam Jim's body. He took in the tanned skin and sculpted muscles, the scars from the wounds that hadn't been seen to in time and the freckles left by the sun. When he finally got to Jim's face he was met with a pair of blue eyes and by the smirk forming on Jim's face he knew he had been caught. McCoy smirked back and when he saw the faint blush form on the younger man's face he knew he hadn't been the only one that was staring.

Both of them dressed in jeans that had seen too many days and t-shirts that were worn and too comfortable for their own good. Jim donned his older leather jacket and McCoy grabbed one of the hoodies that he had stolen from Jim when they first met. He pulled it on and pulled the sleeves up to his elbows.

They walked side-by-side, knowing where they were going without having to speak. Before they made it to the park they stopped at a local deli, getting sandwiches and a soda. While they were waiting, Jim slipped his arm around McCoy's waist and slid his hand into the back jean pocket. He leaned against the Doctor and McCoy just smiled lightly and moved into the touch, determined not to ruin this and not to push Jim away like he had so many others.

He paid for their food and held Jim's hand loosely as they finished the walk to the park. He hummed softly as they made their way into the trees until they came to a spot that Jim had found after their first week at the academy.

There was a patch of sun to the right and the rest of it was shaded by the trees. The grass was thick and pliant beneath their feet. Jim and McCoy walked to the sunned area, each taking out their food and munching on their sandwiches. They ate in silence, Jim leaning against McCoy's side. The wrappers were put back into the bag and McCoy ran his fingers through Jim's hair, "We can never save them all Jim."

"Not now, Bones."

"Just listen to me," the Doctor said pulling him closer. Even Jim could hear the way that his voice became distant and detached. "I've lost people too Jim, sometimes you just can't stop it and sometimes…sometimes you figure out how to a little too late."

Jim sat up, turning to face him straight on. "What're you talking about Bones?"

McCoy sat up straighter, "I told you that my father died a few years back." Jim nodded, but kept silent so McCoy went on. "I killed him.

"He got sick a little while after I started medical school, but he didn't tell me till my third year and by that time he didn't have a choice. He had to stay on the medications if he wanted to survive. I was working on research for him and the ex was pregnant with Joanna…he wanted to be there as long as he could be."

Now, it was Jim's turn to play the comforting role. He wrapped his arm around McCoy and pulled him close. He didn't speak but rubbed his arm in a reassuring manner. Jim kissed his head softly and managed a gentle smile when McCoy lowered his head to his chest.

"By the time Joanna was five and I had my Doctorate he was living in the hospital, always connected to machines and tubes were attached to his arm. I was so close to finding a cure Jim…so damn close."

Silently, Jim wiped away the tears that were flowing down his friend's face and let him pull himself together. He didn't push him, just like McCoy hadn't pushed him. McCoy moved closer to Jim, taking in the warmth and the strength that the younger man offered to him.

He closed his eyes, forcing himself to keep going on. "He couldn't take it, asked me to end it for him." McCoy could feel Jim's eyes on him. "I begged him to hold on, I knew I was close and if he could hold on for just a little longer I would save him.

"I gave into him Jim." He looked up at his Captain and gripped his hand. "I killed my father. I went against everything I was taught. I'm supposed to heal people not cause them harm."

"Bones, you didn't harm him, if pain is that bad sometimes, death is easier. I've wished for it. You didn't do anything wrong. He wanted it and you didn't want to see him in that sort of agony."

McCoy just focused on the blue eyes, "I found the cure three months later, Jim. Three months after I killed my father I found out how to save him."

Jim kissed his head, "Bones, you did what he wanted, there's nothing wrong with that. The pain was too much. It's understandable."

"Dammit Jim - "

"No, Bones, listen." He pinned McCoy against a tree, his hands gripping his upper arms. "You are the best doctor that I have ever known, and I've seen my fair share of them. You're the only one I trust. What happened with your father is what made you who you are now; the reason I trust you to be my CMO…my Bones."

McCoy sighed and shifted enough so that Jim let him go. He stood up and walked to the shaded area with his hands behind his back. "You don't understand, Jim. Everything I have ever done I did because it was what was expected of me. The only thing that wasn't was the divorce and joining Star Fleet. I've basically been disowned."

He felt Jim come up behind him and wrap his arms around his waist, but he also felt uncertainty coming from him. "My family, they're still really old fashioned and like to run things their way."

Jim nuzzled his neck, rubbing his stomach gently. "What do you mean, Bones?"

"I knew I liked men when I was fifteen, but my parents were against it so I never said anything. We had a neighbor…and my parents refused to have anything to do with him; told me to stay away from him too. They still don't know and I'm scared to death to tell them."

Jim kissed his neck, "No one is going to pressure you into telling anyone you don't want to. And you don't have to tell anyone about us…if there is an us." His last words were just a whisper and McCoy didn't acknowledge them.

"They wanted me to get married so I married a girl that they picked out. At first it was so simple to just pretend that she was someone else and that I loved her more than anything. I was the perfect husband. I gave her everything; attention, affection, gifts. I doted on her but I couldn't grow to love her. I was miserable, but I did what they wanted.

"They wanted grandchildren so Jocelyn and I gave them a grand-daughter and Jim…Joanna is gorgeous. I love her so much. I never thought I could love someone like I love her. When I had to leave…because of the divorce, it was the hardest thing that I had ever done. Do you know what I did? I walked out of there like I could care less." He was shaking again and Jim brought him back to the sunned area.

"Why'd you guys get a divorce?" Jim asked softly and he saw McCoy's eyes become even more distant.

"Jocelyn caught me with a guy. I didn't even mean for it to happen." He looked at Jim and smiled weakly, "I'm not someone that cheats or does meaningless relationships, even if I'm in one that I don't chose. I never wanted to hurt Jocelyn like that. But he…Jim he was so much like you." he said softly. He raised his hand and ran a thumb over Jim's cheek slowly before he dropped his hand and went back to his ramblings.

"I just walked out of there like Joanna meant nothing to me. Jocelyn thought that it had all been a lie. It was easier for me to let them believe that than to explain that I did everything I did to try and make everyone else happy. That's the only reason I ever did anything.

"Everything about me Jim, all of it is a lie."

"They were the reason I became a doctor to. That's probably the one thing that I agree with them on. I love my job, love helping people. It was the only good thing that's happened in my life."

Jim turned him around, unable to hide the hurt in his eyes but McCoy didn't seem to notice that it was there anyways. "Look Bones, I know I'm not…and that I can't really do this…" He sighed pressing his lips to McCoy's softly before pulling back and holding him close. He rubbed his sides and took in the older man's scent.

"I'd be lost without you Bones. Hell, I'd be dead and in a ditch somewhere. I never would have lasted at the Academy without you and the rest of the world and I would be dead if it hadn't been for you.

"I'll never make you do something you don't want to Bones." Jim pulled him closer. "Guess we're two fuck ups that are stuck with each other…right?"

McCoy took in the look in Jim's eyes and frowned. "Why…oh." He played back their conversation and took a step back from Jim and gripped his shoulders. "I didn't mean that like that. You…god you've gotten me through everything. I was on my way to being an alcoholic when I met you.

"You're not something…someone I could ever regret Jim…and yeah, you're stuck with me." Jim smiled softly and McCoy grabbed their trash, "Let's get back to campus." He turned when he didn't feel Jim walking next to him and raised his eyebrow. When he saw Jim just standing there he walked back over.

"Jim?" McCoy placed his hands on Jim's cheeks, "Jim?"

Blue eyes looked into hazel and Jim gave him a brilliant smile, "Yeah Bones?"

"You ok…you're worrying me."

"I'm fine Bones." Jim answered. When McCoy's hands left his face, Jim took the opportunity to put the Doctor against a tree. "Like I said, I'm not really good at the whole comforting thing, but - "

McCoy raised his eyebrow and smirked, "You gonna kiss me or talk at me all day?"

He was silenced by Jim's lips on his. At first the kiss was slow and sweet; Jim's lips moved against McCoy's in a gentle manner. McCoy could feel the chapped skin and the warmth that radiated from Jim. He closed his eyes, wrapping his arms around Jim's waist and pulling the bodies together.

He admitted to himself that the slow, tender way was nice, but he was getting impatient. McCoy slipped his hands into the back pockets of Jim's jeans and gripped lightly. He felt Jim's breath hitch and while he had the chance he slipped his tongue into Jim's mouth. The taste was something that McCoy could only describe as a mix between a glass of whiskey, an apple right off the tree, and cinnamon. Again he realized how much he need Jim in his life, how much he loved Jim.

Jim pressed harder against McCoy and twirled his tongue with the Doctor's, savoring the faint taste of bourbon, peach, and vanilla. He moved his hands lower and rubbed his hips gently, his thumbs sliding under his shirt to play with the warm skin. The need became to much and he removed his lips from McCoy's; he kissed his jaw and nipped the skin gently. The taste was the same but muted and Jim couldn't get enough.

"Dammit Jim." McCoy panted and he smiled when the blonde pulled back, a blush on his cheeks. "Making me feel like a damn teenager."

Jim laughed and rested his head in the crook of McCoy's neck; it was quickly becoming his favorite place to nuzzle into. "Guess that means I should let you go then?" Jim slid his hands further up McCoy's shirt, taking in the heat and smooth skin.

"Yeah," he let out a gasp when he felt Jim's hand slip under the waistband of his jeans, "At least till we get to the dorm." McCoy smiled when he heard Jim laugh against his neck.

Jim moved away and picked up the bag from before and gripped McCoy's hand in other. They walked so their shoulders brushed and they stole glances at each other when they thought the other wasn't looking.

"Bones?"

"Hmm?"

Jim rubbed the back of McCoy's hand, "This won't change once we get up there right? We can still be…what we are right?"

McCoy stopped and looked at Jim, "If we do this, I meant what I said. I don't go behind backs and I commit myself to that person. I expect the same from who I'm with." He saw the smirk on Jim's face that let him know Jim was slowly coming out of the funk, but the look in the young man's eyes was enough.

"I can handle that." He got them walking again and squeezed McCoy's hand. "Love you." he said gently, as if he was still scared to say it.

"Love you too, Jim."

Jim smiled and wrapped his arm around McCoy's shoulder. "I'm yours Bones. All yours."

The Doctor smirked and wrapped his arm around Jim's waist and pulled him closer. "I know Jim, and believe me, everyone is gonna know it."

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**A/N - Let me know what you think!**


	3. Xury

**A/N - So the response to this story, even though it hasn't been updated in a while, has been awesome, so thank you guys for the support. I've been working on this chapter for a while, and while its not as long as I would like, I still think that it gets the point across. I'm trying to write as often as I can but I have to keep up with school and work and right now its physically taking its toll. Please stick with me - and finally, chapter three.**

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Star Fleet Command didn't make their distrust of James Kirk a secret. Everyone, including the young Captain knew that they were watching him like a hawk. Spock was required to submit weekly reports on Jim's behavior and McCoy had to do the same regarding his health and mental well-being.

So far, Jim had been doing everything perfectly. He wasn't going into things with guns blazing; he took the time, if he had it, to consult his senior officers and take suggestions. Most of the time he would consider what they said, but in the end, they came out successfully and with no casualties. Seven months went before something went wrong.

It was a simple diplomatic mission to the planet Xury that went wrong; many people were surprised that something like this hadn't happened before. Jim and Spock had missed a scheduled check-in and almost two hours had passed since that time. Both McCoy and Scotty were on edge, waiting to hear from the command team.

The Admiralty had been waiting for this moment and even though Jim and the away team weren't back yet, the aging officers were demanding explanations from him and the Chief Engineer.

Scotty and McCoy told them that they had no information and that once they knew what was happening that they would let them know. The Doctor even got some comms from Scotty complaining about Star Fleet Command wanting Jim out of the chair so bad that this mistake was going to get him demoted. He listened to the Scotsman rant, but his mind was on Jim. When he finally got a call saying that they were beaming the away team up, he made his way to the transporter room as quickly as he could.

He arrived just in time to see three people materializing on the transporter pad. Spock was facing them, his uniform torn and shredded. His hands were swollen and bruised, and blood was leaking from hidden wounds and his head. The half-Vulcan met McCoy's gaze before looking at Jim.

The room was silent as those present took in the sight of their Captain. Jim's pants were torn and blood was staining the patches of skin that they could see; his torso was bare and marred with deep gashes and welts. Burns were blistering on his hands and his hair was matted with dirt and blood. His left shoulder was cut open, the muscle visible under the flesh. In his arms was a still body, an ensign that had worked hard to prove himself to Jim. Jim gripped the body to his own, his eyes focused on the boy's face.

The Doctor walked closer to him, his eyes taking in the wounds. "Jim? Where're the others?"

"They're gone Bones."

McCoy looked at Spock who gave a single, curt nod. He watched Spock take the lifeless body from Jim and for the first time, Jim looked up. It wasn't the gashed cheek or split lip that caught McCoy's attention. It was Jim's eyes. The eyes that were normally electric blue, but were now a dull grey. The grey that came with a storm that would destroy anything in its path.

Jim looked at him and fell forward, gripping his arms tightly. "Bones." his voice was cracking.

"Get me a stretcher," he called over his shoulder before looking back at Jim, "I gotcha Jim." he whispered pressing a kiss to his head. Orderlies helped McCoy get Jim onto the stretcher and to sickbay. By the time they made it there, Jim was passed out and Spock was being tended to by Nurse Chapel. He took him into surgery, putting everything but Jim's injuries far from his mind while he mended what he could.

McCoy kept his mind focused and once the gashes and burns were healed he gave Jim doses of a painkiller and sedative. He set him up in a private room before checking on Spock.

"Doctor."

"What the hell happened, Spock?"

The First Officer sat up and straightened his shirt. "We beamed down to the planet of Xury, ready to begin the talks. We were confronted almost immediately; they confined us and took our communicators. They took the Captain and proceeded to harm him." Even McCoy could see the blank look in Spock's eyes as he recounted the tale of what happened to them.

"He would not break, just took what they gave him…until they started taking us. Once they realized I could distance myself from the pain they started on the ensigns. They could not handle the pain. The Captain begged for them to take him back, but they would not. He carried Ensign Johansson once we freed ourselves. The young man died in his arms and then he just went blank. I have never seen the Captain look like this Doctor."

McCoy ran his fingers through his hair, remembering Jim and his tales of Tarsus and leading the kids. How he struggled to keep the kids alive and suffered himself. Not being able to help his men down there had to have taken a toll on Jim. "You're on light duty for two days Spock. I'll look after Jim. I'm taking him off duty for three days, then light duty for another three at least."

"Understood, Doctor." He got off the bed and looked at the Jim's room. "I will come and see him tomorrow."

The Doctor nodded and made his way to Jim's room, sitting down in the chair. He watched the slow and steady rise and fall of Jim's chest, the way his lips contracted when he was breathing. It wasn't often that McCoy got to watch Jim like this; most of the time, Jim fell asleep after and woke up before the Doctor did. McCoy held Jim's hand and just stared.

After a couple hours, McCoy made a decision that some would disagree with; he moved the sedated Captain to his quarters. Being both his friend and doctor, McCoy knew that Jim would be more comfortable and also more likely to talk once he woke up. His vitals leveled out and just a couple hours later, the Doctor heard a soft whimper from the sleeping area.

"Bones?"

"Right here, Jim." He walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, gripping Jim's hand lightly.

"I…I couldn't -"

McCoy ran his fingers through Jim's hair. "I know Jim, its not your fault."

Jim bit his lip and forced himself into a sitting position. He just glared at McCoy when he went to protest and pulled on McCoy's arm till he got the hint. The Doctor moved and sat behind Jim, who settled himself between the older man's legs and against his chest.

"They were kids Bones…they weren't even twenty yet." Jim ran his fingers over McCoy's hand and closed his eyes. "I should have just given in, it would have saved them. My men were begging me to save them Bones and I didn't do anything about it. I watched them…watched them…" his voice cracked and McCoy pulled him closer.

"You did your job Jim, they wouldn't have blamed you for that. You took more than either of them trying to keep them safe. You did all you could. Some people, they're just sick Jim." He rested his chin on Jim's good shoulder. "You're a good guy Jim, everyone on this ship knows that you would die for them if you could and you know what?"

Jim looked up at him, his eyes watering but refusing to let them fall.

"All of them would die for you in an instant. This whole ship looks up to you, even Spock." He kissed Jim's cheek and rested his forehead against the Captain's. "We all love you, you idiot."

Jim held onto McCoy's arm and nuzzled into his neck, "Stay?"

"Yeah, I'm staying."

The Captain nodded and McCoy could feel Jim close his eyes, "My Bones." he whispered and McCoy pressed a hypo to Jim's neck gently.

"All your's." he chuckled lightly when Jim growled before he fell asleep. McCoy watched him for a few minutes before he let his head fall back against the wall. He'd regret this position in the morning, but right now he took comfort in watching the steady rise and fall of Jim's chest and the feel of his body against his own.

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**A/N - And there it is. Let me know what you think!**


	4. Always Here

**A/N - Holy hell its been a while. Sorry it took so long but here's another chapter. Hope yall enjoy.**Jim pressed his face into his pillow attempting to ignore that voices that were talking over him. He just wanted to get give more minutes of sleep; or five hours. He wasn't going to be picky.

* * *

"Doctor, I do not believe that threatening to inject the Captain with a hypo will wake him up."

The Captain groaned, "No hypo."

McCoy smirked, "Jim would do just about anything if it means not getting jabbed in the neck with a hypo."

Jim sat up and ran his fingers though his hair. "No, just yours. You're fucking insane with those things." He looked up at his friends and suppressed a yawn. "So ah, why are you guys in my room?"

"Captain, you were supposed to be on the bridge one hour and twenty-three minutes ago."

Jim frowned and looked at his chronometer. He never slept through this alarm. He went to bed late but he fell right asleep. Jim looked around the room and saw that his blanket was on the ground and his sheets were tangled around his legs. He sighed and ran his fingers through his

hair again. "I'll be on the bridge in a minute."

"I think you should come to sickbay—"

"Later, Bones," he said. Jim looked up at McCoy. "We'll talk later okay, Bones?"

McCoy didn't look happy but he nodded. "Right after your shift?"

Jim nodded and watched as Spock and McCoy walked out of his room. He fell back onto his bed and stared at the ceiling. His mind raced as he fought to remember…well, anything really. Jim closed his eyes and started to doze again.

"Jim!"

He shot out of his bed looking around. "Bones?" He walked around the room and frowned.

When he didn't find a trace of McCoy or anyone else in the room he walked to his bathroom and took a shower. He rested his arms against the tile and leaned against the wall. He started to relax as the water beat down on his back.

"Jim!"

Jim opened his eyes and looked around. "Dammit, Bones this isn't funny." He turned the water off before wrapping a towel around his waist. His eyes narrowed slightly when he realized that no one was with him. Jim got dressed and made his way to the bridge.

When he got there no one mention anything about him being late or the circles that were starting to form under his eyes. No one even said anything about him leaning on the side of his chair in order to stay upright. He yawned and signed off on a couple reports before staring ahead at the viewing screen.

"_Jim!"_

"_Bones? Where are you?" Jim walked forward. Everything around him was black and he could just see in front of him. He could hear McCoy somewhere ahead of him. _

"_Jim!"_

_He started running towards the voice. Jim wasn't sure how long he was running but he finally saw something. "Bones!" He kept running until he got to the patch of light and what he saw made him freeze. _

_McCoy looked at Jim through swollen eyes and his lip was bleeding. "Get out of here, Jim!" _

"_Shit, Bones," he muttered kneeling next to him. He wrapped his arms around Bones and fumbling with the rope that bound the Doctor's hands. "I got you." Jim looked up when he heard _

_a familiar whine. "What the—"_

_A shot was fired and he felt Bones slump against him. "Bones!"_

"Captain?"

He opened his eyes. "Yes, Spock?"

"Are you well, Captain?"

"Fine, Spock."

He gave a single curt nod, but his eyes showed the he was concerned. "Are you going to see Doctor McCoy?"

Jim nodded and stood up, "Night, Spock." He walked into the turbolift and gripped the handle. Jim leaned against the wall and sighed, "Deck five." He poured himself of whatever Scotty had brewed up.

"Okay, think." He sat on his bed and downed his drink. Jim knew that he was dreaming and that the dreams had to be pretty bad if his blanket and sheets ended up like they had this morning. He put the cup on the night stand and lay back trying to sort out his thoughts, his eyes closing slowly.

McCoy left the sickbay, cursing Jim under his breath. He walked up to the Captain's door and chimed. When he got no answer he walked in. "Jim?"

He walked into the bedroom and saw Jim fighting against the sheets and stopped in the walk way.

"Bones!"

The Doctor walked over and shook Jim's shoulder gently. "Jim?"

Jim groaned and continued to struggled against his blankets. "Bones!"

"Dammit, Jim, wake up!" He shook him harder, leaning over him. He watched as Jim opened his eyes. The Captain was breathing heavily and swallowed as he tried to calm himself down. His uniform was damp and sticking to him.

"Bones?"

McCoy smiled softly and rubbed his shoulder. "It was just a bad dream, kid."

Jim frowned and sat up. He stayed as close to McCoy as he could without actually touching him. "Yeah, bad dream." He rubbed his eyes and saw images from his dream flashing before him. His eyes snapped open and he looked at McCoy.

"Wanna talk about it?" McCoy asked when he saw the distress in Jim's gaze.

He hesitated but nodded. "Just let me take a shower first."

"Alright." McCoy watched as Jim walked to the bathroom. He had walked in on Jim having nightmares before, but nothing like this. McCoy had seen the dreams that Frank and Tarsus had left behind, but this didn't even compare. Jim had never struggled or fought against something. It was even worse because Jim had been screaming his name and his face had been horrified and pale.

"Don't think too hard, Bones. I don't want to have to find a new CMO."

"So funny, Jim," he muttered. "What do you want to eat?"

He shrugged. "Not really hungry."

"Chicken salad it is then."

"I'm not—"

McCoy rounded on him. "You haven't eaten in almost a day. I checked." He took Jim's face him his hands and softened his voice, "Let me take care of you okay? Humor me."

Jim let out a feeble laugh, "Okay, Bones."

The Doctor froze, "Okay…"

"What?"

"You never agree to anything that I sat that easily," he said his thumb stroking his cheek gently.

Jim shrugged and moved into him. "It's getting harder and harder for me to say no to you."

McCoy smiled and pecked his lips gently. "Love you too." He let go of Jim and walked over and took the replicated food. He set it on the desk and ate his as he watched Jim shovel his down without much thought.

He continued to watch him and he could see Jim starting to slip into his own thoughts again. He reached across the desk and grabbed Jim's free hand. The fork that Jim had been holding clanged to the desk and he met McCoy's gaze. "Jim, what's going on?"

"You ever had a dream and then a couple days later it happened?"

He shrugged, "I don't know. Maybe."

Jim got up and paced around the area. "I have, get them all the time. Most of the time it's just small things; I'll be writing a report and realize that I've written this before or having a conversation that I've already had. I don't want this one to come true, Bones."

McCoy got up and walked over wrapping his arms around Jim. "It's just a dream."

He shook his head. "I know how my mind works. I don't dream, Bones. I get nightmares about things that happened to me, but this…when I remember what I saw it'll happen."

The Doctor frowned and kissed his head. "Wanna tell me what happens?"

"Yeah." Jim walked to the bed and sat down, patting the spot next to him.

He shook his head and wedged into the space behind Jim and held him. McCoy could feel Jim relax into him. He rubbed his lower stomach gently, "So what happens?"

Nearly two weeks later found them in the transporter room ready to beam down to a planet's surface. The dreams continued but McCoy started staying in Jim's room at night, and as corny as it sounded, the dreams seemed to ease up.

"Bones, stand on my right."

"Jim, I think it's time for—"

"Just do it, Bones."

McCoy sighed and stood on Jim's right while the rest of the team assembled around them.

"Energize."

The surface of the planet was dry and desert like. There were a few plants that were a faint green and hinted at a scarce water supply. Jim walked by and nudged McCoy before looking around and assigning everyone their tasks. He walked around with McCoy, making comments every few minutes just so there was some kind of noise.

"None of these plants have any medical use."

Jim nodded and resisted the urge to run his fingers through McCoy's hair. "At least it's nice down here." He watched McCoy stand and look around.

"Yeah, it is."

"What's that?" Jim asked looking around. Somewhere near them they could hear a soft buzz. It lasted only a few minutes but Jim remained still and silent. "Bones, stand behind me."

"Jim—"

Jim got in front of McCoy as a woman with shimmering silver skin emerged from behind a tree. He watched as she stepped closer to them, her soft purple eyes going over their forms.

"Captain James Kirk," she said as she smiled at him. Her eyes took in his body; she noted that he was ready to defend himself if it came to that. "And Doctor Leonard McCoy." The woman did the same thing to him. He was tense behind Jim, but ready to take action or hold his Captain

back if he needed to.

The two men watched her as she stepped closer. When she reached out her hand to touch McCoy Jim pushed him back and stayed in front of him. "You two will do nicely."

"What are you…talking about?" McCoy asked and looked around. He was still behind Jim but everything around them was black. He could feel Jim starting to shake in front of him. "Jim it's okay."

"Bones…" Jims gripped his hand and looked around. "Don't let go."

"I'm right here."

Both men stood there, their eyes searching the darkness for a hint of what was going on. Jim reached for his communicator and cursed under his breath when he felt that it was missing.

"Jim," Bones whispered and nudged him. Jim looked ahead of them and saw a faint light. He walked towards it but continued to keep McCoy behind him at all times.

It took them a few moments to get to the light but when they did they both froze and Jim narrowed his eyes making sure that his body was completely blocking McCoy's. In front of them there were three glass tubes that appeared to expand to the none-existent ceiling. McCoy moved out from behind Jim and walked up closer to them. "Our names are on these."

Jim walked up and sure enough, the tube on the left had _McCoy_ etched into it, _Kirk_ was in the center, and on the right there was _Spock._ He ran his fingers over his name and looked around again. "There has to be a way out of here." He grabbed McCoy's hand and started to walk around the tubes.

"Where is your First Officer, Mister Spock?" They turned and saw the same woman that had greeted them on the surface. She tilted her head to the side and repeated, "Where is he?"

"He stayed behind."

She frowned and looked Jim over again and her gaze lingered on McCoy. "Pity." She walked toward them reaching out her hand for McCoy and Jim pushed him back.

"No."

"I wish to examine him." Her voice was sweet and low pitched; a song-like quality to it.

"And I said no," Jim repeated and kept his eyes locked on her. "If you want someone to examine take me."

"No!"

"Shut up, Bones," Jim hissed.

Her head tilted in the other direction and stretched her arm out to Jim. Her fingers were like ice as they touched his face, but her fingers barely touched him. Jim stood still and felt McCoy move closer to him.

"You will do."

"You're going to let him go?"

"Doctor McCoy will be transported to your ship."

Jim nodded and turned to face McCoy, "See ya later, Bones."

"Dammit Jim, don't do this." McCoy blinked and found himself on the bridge of the _Enterprise. _"What the hell…Spock, what's going on?"

"We are unsure. We attempted to beam the Captain to the ship but we were unable to do so. The crew and I have been watching the event from here."

McCoy turned and looked at the viewing screen. Jim was in the glass tube with his name on it and he had just enough room to move his limbs He walked down to the center of the bridge and gripped the back of Jim's chair.

The scene around Jim changed but he remained in his tube. In front of him a bleeding man was begging for Jim's help. Jim swallowed, "This isn't real." He muttered and McCoy smiled, willing Jim to remember that through this ordeal.

"Who is that?" Uhura asked standing by the railing.

"Frank, his stepfather." Jim closed his eyes and turned his back on the man. "Good boy, Jim."

"He's not even trying to help him," she said and looked at McCoy.

"Jim knows this isn't real…plus I hope he'd let the bastard die."

Their eyes stayed glued on the screen and next a group of teens all scrawny and pale were asking 'Jimmy' for help. Jim turned sharply and his eyes got wide at the scene. He shook his head and rammed his shoulder into the glass.

"Not real," Jim and McCoy whispered. Jim's eyes stayed glued on the kids and no one on the bridge had seen that amount of pain in his eyes. "They're not real." Jim repeated over and over again, his voice getting louder to drown out the cried from the kids.

"Doctor?"

"Don't ask, Spock. Not my place."

Slowly, the kids fell over and once the last one was down Jim leaned against the glass. His hands shook but his eyes hardened. "Not gonna beat me," he whispered. Jim looked at the woman that was holding him and his eyes darkened.

She simply smiled, nodded, and changed the scene. Security officers of the _Enterprise_ flashed in front of Jim. "Those officers have all been killed."

McCoy looked at Spock, "And all on landing parties that Jim has led. She's making him relive his worst memories, she'll make him live his worst fears."

The half-Vulcan looked at the Doctor, "How do you know this?"

He looked back at Jim and gripped the chair hard enough to turn his knuckles white. "He dreamed it."

Spock was about to pose another question when Chekov gasped. All the eyes on the bridge focused on the screen and watched as a replica of their navigator begged Jim to save him. Jim kicked at the glass as he got lost in the false reality that was put in front of him. The crew watched as the dream Chekov fell and was replaced by Sulu who suffered the same fate as Chekov. After Sulu came Scotty and the Uhura. Jim struggled against the glass, his grip on what was real slipping from him.

"Stop!" Jim and McCoy both yelled. The crew members watching their deaths and their Captain fail to save them. They saw the toil that their deaths would take on Jim. Spock saw himself appear in front of Jim, arrows lodged in his side where is heart was located. The real Spock put his hands behind his back and watched as Jim charged at the glass trying to get to him. The illusion called out to Jim, telling him it was illogical and that there was no chance that he could be saved.

Jim just told him to shut up and continued to ram at the glass. The Captain watched as Spock fell on his side and he slid down the glass. He wiped his eyes, screaming at the woman.

"Doctor McCoy hasn't been there yet." Sulu pointed out.

"I'm last," he said softly and watched as a version of him materialized before Jim.

Jim looked up and his eyes got wide. "No…no no no no…not real." He closed his eyes as McCoy appeared to be shot by an antique looking gun.

"Jim!" The false McCoy called and Jim covered his ears trying to block out the sound. Another gunshot sounded and McCoy fell to his knees. Blood leaked from his side and another bullet pierced his chest. "Jim!"

The Captain looked up, his eyes lost. He stood and rammed as hard as he could against the glass. The crew and McCoy could hear bones cracking and Jim's groans as he tried to get to the vision. In his head McCoy begged for Jim to stop, to realize that he was still in a dream and that he was safe up in the ship.

The glass started to crack and that only seemed to urge Jim on. He kicked at the glass and when it broke away he ran over and cradled McCoy against his chest. "Took you long enough, kid."

He laughed weakly.

Jim frowned, "I-I tried."

"I know, Jim."

"You'll be fine, Bones." Jim kissed his head and ran his fingers through his hair.

"Love you, Jim."

"Bones?" Jim looked down and saw that the man in his arms was dead. He shook him, "Bones, wake up."

McCoy shook as he watched Jim fall apart over his body.

"Mister Spock, the transporter is energizing," a voice sounded over the comm and the Senior Officers rushed to the transporter room. McCoy rushed through the door in time to see Jim appear on the pad with his arms still trying to hold onto his vision.

"Jim?"

The man looked up from the pad and saw his crew starring at him. He looked down and saw blood on his hands and his torn up uniform. He cleared his throat and stood, clearly favoring his left side. "Don't you guys all have something to do besides coming here to greet me?" Jim smiled at them and they just watched him.

"Captain—" Chekov started but McCoy stopped him.

"Come on, Jim, let's get you cleaned up."

Jim frowned and looked at them and saw the sympathy and worry on their faces. "You guys…"

"Jim, let's go." McCoy grasped his arm and led him to his quarters. He sat Jim on the bed and stripped him, cleaning him up and setting and healing his bones. "Get some rest. I'll be here in the morning."

"I don't want to."

He pressed a hypo to his neck, "You'll be fine. Promise." McCoy watched as Jim drifted to sleep. The Doctor undressed and pulled on a pair of Jim's sweats before crawling into bed with him. He pulled him against his chest and fell asleep.

He woke up in the morning to the feeling on fingers running through his hair. "Jim?"

"Yeah?" The voice came out raspy and cause McCoy to look up. Jim was stroking his head gently, his eyes taking in all the details of his face and body. He blushed at the intensity of Jim's gaze and at the attention he was receiving.

"I watched you die."

McCoy looked at him, "It wasn't really me. I'm right here," he said gently.

"I was holding you, just like this, Bones. I was holding you and I felt you…I never said I love you back."

He sat up and took Jim's face in his hands, "I know you love me. You don't have to say it for me to know it."

"You died. You all died and I just let it happen. You—"

"Shut up." Jim looked at him sadly. "I'm here. I'm real."

Jim nodded and swallowed crawling into his lap and resting his head on his shoulder. "So the whole crew saw?"

He rubbed his back, "Just the main bridge crew."

"Looked like a fucking pansy."

"They know what kind of person you are. They saw you try to save them. You're crew would do anything for you Jim. How many times do I have to tell you that for you to believe it? They're not your mother or Frank. These people trust you with their lives just like they trust me. You," he said lifting his gaze, "Are the best man we all know."

Jim laughed weakly and pecked his lips. "You're just saying—"

McCoy growled and flipped Jim onto his back and pinned him there. "I'm not just saying it. Yeah, you're dad is a hero and you saved the world, but that's not everything."

"Bones," he sighed starting to look uncomfortable.

"No, listen for once." He stroked his wrists gently and straddled his waist to keep him down. "You were there for Spock when he withdrew because of his mother." He gripped his wrists when Jim started to interrupt. "You played chess with him for hours and let him talk about it. You didn't say anything about him being emotional. You were you and that was all. You threw Chekov the birthday party he never had, you let Sulu teach you how to fence because you knew he would enjoy it even though you didn't want to learn.

"When Uhura came to you about Spock, on how to address him and to get him to open up, you didn't make any snide comments or rude remarks. You listened and you helped her, Jim. You've put your life on the line for your crew, your ship and the god damn planet. And you…" he kissed his fore head gently. "You got me through the worst years of my life. I had lost everything and was close to flunking out of star fleet but you were there. Didn't let me. You helped with come

to terms with what I did to my father.

"You've done so much for all of us. You saved my daughter, hell Jim she loves. She calls you Uncle Jim for crying out loud. If my little girl likes you, then you have to be a good guy. Even her dog likes you and he's never met you in person."

Jim laughed softly, "Love you, Bones."

"Love you too, your crew does to. The best guy we know Jim, that's what you are."

The Captain smiled softly and nodded. McCoy kissed his head again before kissing him slowly. He lowered himself onto Jim and moaned as he felt Jim's hands roam across his back. All the pent up emotions were pouring through the kiss.

McCoy ran his hands down to Jim's waist and played with the waistband of his briefs and nipped along his neck and collar bone. He felt the tension leave Jim's body when he nipped his shoulder lightly and he looked up at him. "I'll take care of you tonight."

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**A/N - So...whatcha think?**


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